Titan John Tagg

     It was the beginning of June and I came down with a strange form of the flu I guess?  I had to take a day or two off of work because I couldn't get through the day without feeling awfully nauseous.  Finally on June 5th I decided enough was enough, it was time to go to the doctor.  We got there, I told them how I was feeling, and the nurse left saying that the doctor would be in shortly.  Dr. Lytle came in, told me a couple of things, and then said the best words I have ever heard- "You are pregnant".  I remember staring at him and saying "What? I'm pregnant?"  He laughed and said yes.  I turned to TJ and started crying.  We had been trying for so long and finally the test results were positive, I couldn't believe it.  We left and went out to lunch, talking about the next nine months and our future after that.  When we got home we told his family and a day or two later I sent my family a picture in a text, then called and told them the news.  They were so happy for us!  I called my grandma and grandpa a day or two later and read a poem to them, I cried so hard through the whole thing that I'm surprise they understood what I was saying.  The following months passed so quickly and yet seemed to drag until I was into my third trimester.

I do not have a face to see,

or put inside a frame.

I do not have soft cheeks to kiss, 

I don't yet have a name.

You can't yet hold my tiny hands,

nor whisper in my ear.

It's still too soon to sing a song,

Or cuddle me so near.

But all will change come February,

that's when they say I'm due.

I'm your new grandchild,

I can't wait til I meet you!

All I have to give you now,

is a wish to you from me.

I cannot wait to be a part,

of my new family.

     The only pregnancy complications that I had were gall bladder attacks, I learned through an ultrasound that I had gall stones "without number".  I also experienced two seizures that thankfully did not affect or damage the baby.  Each seizure happened when TJ was right there with me and I am so grateful that I told him what to do if I ever had a seizure, he knew exactly what to do.  I had an MRI after my second seizure that sadly did not come back with any answers to the cause of the seizures- an hour in a small, painfully loud tube for no reason.  Awesome.  

     I was sitting in our bedroom working on the computer as I had started working from home when the pain in my lower back caused me to pull my legs up onto the chair.  Moments later I peed my pants, at least that's what I thought I had done.  I was so embarrassed, I couldn't believe I had done that! I got all cleaned up and was changing when it happened again.  That's when I got concerned, this shouldn't be happening.  So I went upstairs and talked with my mother-in-law who told me to lay down and see if I felt better. I went back downstairs and was warming up some lunch when I found blood.  I ran back upstairs and my mother-in-law immediately jumped up and announced that it was time to go to the hospital.  I jumped on the phone with my insurance to find out which hospital covered me while Treaci packed my hospital bag for me.  Both things should have been done already but I thought I still had another month to go.  TJ arrived home from work just in time for me to jump in the car and we hurried down to the hospital.  The whole way all we could say was "we're having a baby!".  We got there and I waddled into the doors and up the elevator, so nervous and yet so excited.  

     Once in the gown and on the bed the real contraction pains began I remember not being able to breath or talk, which worked out really well as the nurse was firing questions at me and I was unable to answer.  This really made TJ mad and that was when we began to not like our nurse.  In fact we couldn't wait until 7:00 when her shift was over and she would be gone.  Around 5:00 the anesthesiologist finally came in and I can't tell you how happy I was to see him!  I was nervous about the epidural but TJ held my hands and pressed his forehead against mine, telling me how brave and strong I was over and over again as the needles poked me and inserted the medication I was so thankful to get.  After it was all over my legs started to go numb and the pain from the contractions was finally gone.  The best part of all was I couldn't feel my stomach pains anymore from being so incredibly hungry.  The last time I had eaten was 9:00 that morning and now it was 5:00 pm.  

     The night continued on as I continued to dilate and talk with TJ's family, sleeping at times as well.  2:00 am rolled around and the nurse checked me and told the other nurse to start setting up.  I couldn't believe it, it was time!  I started to get so scared, this was it!  The doctor came in and 40 minutes later Titan John Tagg was born at 2:52 am.  He was so tiny!  I was able to hold him for 2 minutes before he was taken to the nursery.  I was sad to see him go, I wanted to hold him forever, but was in a way happy as well as the nurse rolled in a meal for me afterwards. 

     TJ and I were able to go to sleep about an hour or so later until our nurse came in and told us that Titan was being moved to the NICU as he was having problems breathing.  I tried not to get too worried and was able to go back to sleep.  Two hours later the nurse came back in to tell us that Titan was going to be transported to the Timpanogas hospital where they would have the doctors and equipment that Titan needed.  10:00 that morning the life flight team rolled Titan into the hospital room in a little incubator so that we could say goodbye to him before he left.  He was transported in an ambulance, the life flight team was there as they would be the ones to go with him.  Titan was sleeping when he came in, his face looked so peaceful.  You would never know that he was in pain or having any difficulty at all if you didn't already know.  That helped me to feel better as they took him away.  I stayed in the hospital the remainder of that day as well as the next before I was discharged and was able to go see him at the Timpanogas hospital.  

     Over the next three weeks I spent most of my time there at the NICU with him.  At first it was just to feed him once he was strong enough to do that, but later I was there just to be with him.  Sometimes it got boring as the majority of the time he spent sleeping, but towards the end of his stay he was more awake and I was able to hold him more often.  

     The entire time he was in the NICU I could feel the prayers that were being said for our little family.  I know for a fact that without the strength of the Lord there is no way that I could have healed the way that I did and be able to handle leaving our little boy in the hospital the way that I was.  I wish that I could personally thank everyone who prayed for us but I'm not sure that I could, there were so many, many prayers offered by so many different people- including the person who said the opening prayer for sacrament one Sunday :)

     Titan is now home and growing each and every day.  So far he has gained 2 pounds since being born and has become so much more awake and alert of the world around him.  He is my whole world and we are so lucky and blessed to have such a special spirit in our family.